Where Babies Come From

You might not know this, but Benjamin Button is a funny kid. Sometimes he seems quiet and aloof, and he prefers video games to human interaction, but underneath it all the kid is hilarious. Case in point: back seat conversations in the Jeep.

So you have some background, we have this rule in our house. If my kids want to know something, no matter how embarrassing or uncomfortable it is (for me, usually) they are allowed to ask. No repercussions, no uncomfortable throat clearing; I will just explain whatever they want to know. I mean, when I was a kid, I would just ask my friends at school. But now? With Google? I do not need my child googling something that might result in pornographic images, thank you very much. I would rather explain whatever they want to know even if my cheeks are flaming red the entire time. It has worked out pretty well, actually. It was always my mom’s rule for us too.

That being said, not long ago during dinner, Benjamin Button asked where babies come from. Other Half explained it with the use of some very questionable hand gestures and we moved on. I desperately hoped that we would not revisit the topic ever again. Let’s just say, I did not get my wish. 

Tonight, we went to get some dinner and check on my dad, and both kids were in the back seat of the Jeep. Something I’ve noticed is that my kids are infinitely more comfortable asking questions in the car. Something about me facing forward and them not having to look me in the eye makes them feel free. And also provokes them into seeing how much they have to say to get a reaction from me because they know about the ask me anything rule. Some questions that have come up before during Jeep rides are, “What’s a prude?” Or “How did you make Mary Ann?” Or “What’s a hooker?” You know, just your normal questions for kids living in the 21st century with access to Netflix. And let’s not forget learning about the Easter bunny and Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. You can read more about that here: https://settingupstones.com/2020/06/03/back-seat-interrogations/

Anyway, they’re in the backseat tonight, and I hear Benjamin Button tell Mary Ann that he knows where babies come from. The conversation went like this:

Benjamin: “The penis goes in the vagina, and that starts a process that makes a baby.” 

Mary Ann: “Shut up, shut up! Stop talking right now!”

Me: looks straight ahead, suppressing a laugh while simultaneously giving Other Half the evil eye as the hand gestures from the aforementioned dinner are reenacted in the back seat and look way worse with 9 year old hands than they do with adult hands

Other Half: “I didn’t show him that.”

Me: “You definitely did. I was there, remember?”

Benjamin: “But the lady doesn’t know she’s pregnant for a while. Then she feels some baby crawling around in her stomach and she says ‘Wow, must be leftover tacos.’ But then her belly grows and she figures it out. And then the baby comes.” 

Me: laughing, not even sorry at this point

Mary Ann: puts in ear buds and cranks up her tunes so loud we can hear it in the front seat above the roar of my off-road tires in the Jeep and the Kenny Chesney I’m using to drown out the day.

Benjamin: “Then if they want another kid, they have to do the whole thing all over again.” 

Me: “Ok buddy that’s enough. We’re done talking about this.”

Benjamin: “Fine. What do you want to talk about besides where babies come from?”

Me: “Literally anything else in the entire world.”

Take home message of this story: If your child is friends with my child, I sincerely hope they already know where babies come from. And if they don’t, I apologize ahead of time for the hand gestures. I blame it on the ask me anything rule, Other Half’s need to have visual aids when he’s explaining something, and how safe and secure the backseat of a Jeep Wrangler makes him feel. 

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