Well, Mom, I made it through today. I’ve never been particularly good at holidays. I always wait until the last minute to buy gifts or groceries or anything else that one needs to celebrate a holiday. I inherited those habits from you. But, I always liked your motto: “I’m not late, I got here when I wanted to.”
That’s how I felt about today. You know I have a lazy streak. Well, not lazy necessarily. I just want to be left alone with my books. Today I did things more like you did. I cooked, and I loaded the dishwasher, and I ran to the store, and I decided to pick up last minute cupcakes. I got iced coffee twice. Not the kind you like. Once it was the stuff you said tasted like dirty feet (AKA cold brew) and the second time it was Dunkin Donuts.
We didn’t eat ribs. That was your favorite, I know. But since The Last Supper, it seems in poor taste to eat them anymore. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to again. My Other Half got me a necklace for Mother’s Day. Actually, it was supposed to be for Valentine’s Day, but since February was a rough month and I refused to celebrate Valentine’s Day, he saved it for now. It has your birth stone in it. I know what you would say if you saw it. “I’m the one who died! Why does she get a necklace?” You’ll be happy to know that every time I put that necklace on, I hear you saying that in my head and it makes me laugh because we’re warped.
Yesterday I woke up so sad. I was dreading today so much. It was 6:30 in the morning on a Saturday and I dreamed about snakes all night. I know you told me dreaming about snakes means something evil is trying to attack me. I think you’re right, based on how things have been going around here. I snuck out of the house by 7. I went out through the back door instead of opening the garage door because I was afraid I’d wake up Mary Ann, and then I’d have to share my alone time. After the coffee, I wasn’t ready to go home, so I went towards Krispy Kreme hoping the “hot and now” sign was on. It was. Normally, I would have brought you some donuts, but since my car can’t make it all the way to heaven on one tank of gas, I took the second dozen to Helen Keller instead. She was happy.
Then I drove the 45 minutes home listening to an audiobook that you would absolutely hate because it has bad words in them. I know, I know. Jesus can spell, I need to renew my mind, and I’m easily influenced. But I needed the laugh.
This morning I thought I would wake up even worse, but surprisingly I felt sort of peaceful. There was no way I could go out alone again because Mary Ann was already up so she came with me to run all those errands. She was so excited to buy groceries at Target because they have a book department. I bought her two because I figure it’s one more way to help make her more like me and you. Benjamin Button has been quiet all weekend. He has the sweetest heart. He’s been a little clingy, hanging with me at all the right times, giving extra hugs when I need them.
Pugsley was so stinking cute. I hadn’t held him in 2 months because I was so afraid I would give him Coronavirus, and there are enough sins on my conscience already. Renesemee was something else. Beautiful, but still taking things from Mason Ramsey until he cries, then gets in trouble, then she comes to comfort him. Is it still Munchausen’s if it’s a cousin thing instead of a parent-child thing? More questions to keep me up at night.
Daddy looked so sad. We made sure he had hugs. And Pugsley makes him feel better. Other Half got the bright idea that I needed to spend more time outside, so he bought me all these herbs and peppers to plant. They stayed in the garage for a week, but I kept watering them when I saw how pitiful they looked, so they survived. Mamaw and Uncle Jesse planted them for me. There’s so much rosemary now I had to clip some of it. I put it in a vase with some water. I know you’d think that makes me look like a yuppy. You’re right. But who can use that much rosemary?
We had dinner with Nana, and it was fun. We talked and laughed and ate leftover potato salad that Uncle Jesse forgot to take home with him. That’s when things got a little iffy. Helen Keller always thought she was the favorite, so she put this sappy Facebook post online and it made me a little sad. I got up to distract myself by painting my nails, and I was going to watch “Emma,” but I didn’t have the emotional stamina. I turned on Gilmore Girls instead. Not the one we watched all through high school, the Netflix revival.
I decided to watch Summer and Fall because if I had to hear Lorelai say, “I smell snow” I might have burst into tears. There was this part where Jess says to Rory that she should write a book about her and her mom because it’s something she’s passionate about, that only she knows. I felt like he was talking to me instead of her. I’ve already started one. Not just the blog, but a few essays that I might compile about all the things you taught me. This was our show. We always felt like we were a little bit them.
But now instead of just laughing and being entranced by the dialogue, I found myself wondering who I was supposed to talk to about the bad choices our family members make sometimes, and who I was supposed to call to laugh about something that no one understood but you. So, I decided I’d just talk to you today. Last year, when you were so sad because your mom wasn’t here anymore, I sort of understood it, but I sort of didn’t. Couldn’t you still be happy since you had all of us? I get it now. There are lots of people to still be thankful for. But there is also a hole that nothing can fill.
I have your fingerprint on a necklace now. I know, another necklace. It has a dragonfly on it because we loved Gilmore Girls so much and it reminded me of the Dragonfly Inn.It seems less morbid to me to have a necklace that is one side fingerprint, one side something else. I catch myself rubbing that fingerprint all the time, because I can feel the ridges of your fingerprints and it makes me feel a little bit better.
One New Year’s Eve when this guy I was dating (which you said was a bad idea, you were right) took a different girl to his New Year’s party you stayed up with me til midnight and we watched Gilmore Girls, and it was maybe the best New Years I’ve ever had because it was just me, and you, and our favorite show. Sure, I was a little brokenhearted, but I knew you were with me and since you were, I’d be fine. So tonight, I watched our show with Mary Ann laying next to me, and my Dragonfly necklace, and I think you might have been there too. I made it through today. And I’ll make it through tomorrow, and the next day, and the next because you taught me how. Love you Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.