Yes, I bought myself a card

Confession number 1: I am that person that sometimes looks through the greeting card aisle at the store just to find something funny. I don’t know when this started exactly, but I’ve always been impressed when a greeting card writer can make something funny in just a couple of lines. It’s a true talent. And every once in a while, I find one so funny that I buy it for myself, with no intention of giving it away, just because it made me laugh.

Last week I was looking for a birthday card for someone, and I saw this card that had the most disgusting word known to man: Moist. I’ve always hated that word. I’m convinced that there is no reason ever to use this word. It’s disgusting. It stimulates my gag reflex. It’s not the only word that does it, but it’s definitely number one on the list. My children know they’re not supposed to say it. It’s on their list of bad words that they’re not allowed to say, which means that sometimes my son will yell it out in the car for no other reason than to see the look on my face. In case you’re wondering, acceptable synonyms for “moist” include “damp”, “humid”, “muggy”, and “not dry”. For cakes I recommend “not dry.” 

Anyway, since it had the bad word on it, of course I have to read the card. And then when I opened the card and it says, “Now your birthday can only get better from here. You’re welcome.” I literally laughed out loud. It brought me joy. Whoever wrote this greeting card understands the essence of my personality on a very deep level. So yes, I spent the $3.99 and brought the card home with me because it was just so very perfect, and these days, $3.99 is a bargain price for a laugh.

Confession number 2: This was not the first time I have bought myself a card. I know. It’s extra pathetic. But I vividly remember walking into CVS, looking for a thank you card, and finding this gem. I couldn’t leave the store without it.

I grew up in the Bible Belt, going to church every time the doors were open. Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night for service. Friday night to hang out with my youth group. Sometimes extra Saturday outings with my youth group. And sometimes prayer meeting on Tuesdays. I was intimately familiar with words like “pagan” and “heathen” (which one of my aunts to this day pronounces “her-ther-en”). Usually when these words were being used, it was as a joke. It was one of those times when we had done something that my grandmas (I had at least 4 growing up) would not approve of like saying a bad word or taking apart tithe envelopes during church so we could write on them to pass notes.  

Anyway, when I was a kid, I thought everyone in the world knew what a “heathen” was. It never crossed my mind that this might be a thing that only people who grew up pentecostal or southern baptist could relate to. I think I was in college before I used one of those words and had to explain the meaning to one of my friends that it clicked for me that not everyone found these words as funny as we did. 

So the joy I felt when I found this card was amazing. It validated my childhood experiences. I immediately took a picture of it and sent it to everyone I could think of who would understand. And then I put it in my stash of “things that I will never throw away because they bring me joy.” 

So far, these are the only two cards I’ve liked enough to buy for myself, with no real reason other than they made me laugh. I know. I have no respect for the dollar. But I do have more laughs coming when I forget which drawer I put these cards in and I find them in a few months. And can you really put a price on that?

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