I got really angry with God this week. Spoiler alert: He didn’t smite me. He can take it. He already knows when we’re mad at him anyway, so I’ve always gone with the theory that it’s better to tell him so you’re not lying on top of being mad at him. Anyway, in the midst of being mad, I was scrolling Facebook and saw the scripture 2 Kings 5:11. At first, seeing that made me mad too, but it also made me feel like God saw how I was struggling. 

In this scripture, Naaman— commander of the army of the King of Aram and an important man in his society— had been a valiant soldier, but all of the sudden he got leprosy. Someone told him about God’s prophet and that the prophet could heal Naaman, and so Naaman goes to the prophet but doesn’t even get a personal audience. Instead, Elisha sends a messenger to meet him and tells him to go and bathe seven times in the Jordan River to be cleansed. Naaman is insulted. In 2 Kings 5:11 it says, “But Naaman went away angry and said, ‘I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the Lord his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy.” 

What is important to know is that Naaman was eventually healed after he did what he was instructed to do, but in the middle of his struggle and fear, he expressed his discontent. Like me. Maybe like you. “God, I thought when I suffered all these other things it would give me a free pass on having to suffer more. God I thought you would heal my dad. God I thought you would solve my work situation differently.” I thought, I thought, I thought. In the back of my mind I can hear someone (probably my mom) saying, “Well, that’s what you get for thinking.” 

The thing I’m being forced to learn now is that my thoughts are not his thoughts. My ways are not his ways. I don’t have the capacity to understand everything that is going on, and so I am forced to make a decision. Do I trust in the sovereignty of God or not? I’m being honest enough today to tell you that I don’t know yet. Maybe you’ve never been there, but it’s where I am today. 

But I do know that it brings me comfort to have God look down and see how I’m feeling, and show me that there are other people who have been insulted and disappointed and discouraged when he didn’t do things the way they thought he should do things. And he still healed them anyway. I don’t know how things are going to turn out, but I know he sees me, and that has to be enough for now.